Calm Down Time

As a mom of a 1-year-old and 3-year-old, I can tell you that our days are filled with many waves of emotions. Young children experience every feeling wholeheartedly. They are working through how to navigate and regulate these big emotions. How we respond to these big feelings in the first few years plays an important role in how they express and manage emotions later in life, so I take my job very seriously. I want my chlidren to know that there are no bad emotions. Every single one of us experiences the whole spectrum of emotions, and they each serve a purpose. So rather than “fix” emotions, I want my children to embrace their emotions while also having the skills to calm themselves down. My role is to listen, acknowledge, confidently lead by example, offer comfort, and the tools to self-regulate.

For tips on navigating early toddler behaviors and emotions, see this post from when D was 14 months old, 18 months old, and two years old. In this post, I’ll be focusing on D, at 3 years old.

As someone who has lived with anxiety my whole life, I have learned the importance of the body and brain connection. If I can calm my body, I can calm my brain. The same is true for children. One of the best things we can do for our child is to give them the tools to calm their body and therefore their mind. Breathing exercises, movement, visual aids, and finding something peaceful to focus on are all useful tools. “Finding calmness” via mindfulness and relaxation techniques isn’t just for managing anxiety; it is useful for moments we feel excited, angry, hurt, happy, tired, or any other emotion.

Since D was two, we have practiced “calm down time” when she’s feeling big emotions and needing a breather. More recently, we have begun to implement a calm down basket. Currently, this basket includes:

• Breathing book

• Glitter jar (DIY)

• Marble mover

• Mindfulness cards

• Stuffed animal

Other ideas include weighted blankets, bean bags, yoga, and sand timers. When D was two, her favorite calm-down board book was this one. We keep this basket in our living room for whenever she needs a little break, or “time in”. This is not somewhere I force D to go, but rather a place she can choose to go or I can invite her to join me in. There are plenty of times we sit and do breathing exercises just for fun! It has become a ritual before rest time as well. I have reaped the benefits of mindfulness through these activites myself.

Examples of Situations this might be used in:

Tantrums

When D throws a tantrum (usually over not getting something she wants), my first step is listening and acknowledging her words and feelings. “I hear you. You really want to eat snack. We had our snack and we are having dinner very soon. I know it’s very hard to wait sometimes.” Even if I could give her snack, I don’t because we already set our limits (which she knows ahead of time.) It’s really important to stay firm on whatever limit has been set, but to listen to her and be there while she feels her feels. I try to stay close and not say much after my first acknoweldgement, besides repeating “I hear you”. I let her know I’m available for a hug. I make sure her body is safe, and if needed, I take her to our "calm-down spot” or I invite her there as she is beginning to calm down. There we can practice our breathing together or she can just sit with her glitter jar or stuffed animal. If she doesn’t want to, that’s okay too.

Hurting Someone or Something

All children have moments of frustration which can lead to physical behaviors. These days, D is pretty good at telling S “That’s my work!” and if that doesn’t work, “Mommy, I need help!” But there are still times when S pushes D’s buttons and she pushes him away from her toys. In these moments I first make sure everyone is safe. I say “stop” and separate them if needed. I first check on S and make sure he’s okay. “Are you okay, S? I’m sorry that happened to you.” I offer him comfort. Then I turn to D and let her know I need to keep them both safe so I separate them or remove the item that was not being used safely.

I then ask if she’d like to check on him. I also ask her what she thinks we could do to make him feel better. “Do you think he would like a hug or something soft to hold?” Sometimes I hold her hand while she checks on him or brings him a toy. When everyone is calm again, I remind D that we don’t hurt each other. “If we are frustrated, we can use our words and ask for help.” Either before or after this, I invite D to the calm-down spot with me. Again, this is not at all a “time-out”, but rather a place to find calm and be alone or together depending on what she’s needing.

Anxiety

When D is feeling nervous about something, I listen to her concerns and nod. I acknowledge her feelings. “You are nervous to ride your bike on the pump track.” or “You feel worried about me leaving right now.” In the bike example, I don’t force her to ride. I let her sit out and watch other kids if she’s not ready, and offer to go next to her if she wants to try. In the example of me needing to leave, I do leave but I confidently tell her I love her and I’ll be back in 30 minutes (usually it’s just a trip to the grocery store these days!). I always say goodbye and I always come back. If we are home, she can choose a comfort from the calm-down basket. I also try to keep something of comfort in our backpack, such as the marble mover or her baby doll (she takes her everywhere).

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Respectful Responses to "WHY??"

"WHY?" For at least the past 6 months, this question has been a constant. D, like many 3-year-olds, is wonderfully curious about the world. She wants to know why that boy is feeling sad, why the ocean has bubbles, and why green means go. Toddlers and young children observe and absorb everything they hear, see, and touch, and have an endless desire for information. So the short answer to why all the “why’s” is that they genuinely want to know. We, as their parents, are the experts. I learned this the hard way when I responded with an “I’m not sure” and was met with an alarmed “But you know EVERYTHING!”. This reminded me just how much weight my words hold, and the importance of how I respond.. Though she will soon learn that I do not indeed know everything, I want my answers to match the authenticity of the questions she asks.

So when D asks me "why", I give her answers. I respond in the best way I know how, and try to make sure my answers are appropriate for her level of understanding. There are times I don’t have the answers, but as mentioned above, saying “I don’t know” causes her to be upset and uncomfortable. I realized this response upsets her because when she senses I am uncertain about something, she feels nervous and insecure. In a world so big, young children see us as their safe harbor; their confident protectors. So instead, when I don’t know the answer to her “Why” I say “Give me a minute to look that up” or I suggest that we look up the answer together. This satisfies her curiosity while being honest that I don’t have every answer immediately.

One of the most interesting things I’ve found about the “why’s” is that she so often asks questions she already knows the answers to. After I thought about this, I realized she isn’t actually doing this to annoy me, but rather because she thrives on repetition. Just as young children love to sing the same song or read the same story again and again, asking the same question and hearing the same answer gives them a sense of comfort in knowing what to expect. Once again, they are looking for reassurance from us, their parents.

That doesn’t mean I always answer the same question on repeat. Rather, I put the ball back in her court and ask, "Why do you think?". My tone of voice is so important here. We want to ask them questions in the same voice we want them to ask us questions: in an authentic and curious voice rather than sarcastic or exasperated. When it's a familiar question, she usually enjoys answering the question herself. Sometimes instead of “Why do you think”, I get better responses by rephrasing the question with choices she knows the answer to. “Do you think that ____ or ____?” Often switching from open-ended questions to choice questions gets a young child to answer because they don’t feel put on the spot. Sometimes I’ll even give a silly response that she knows is wrong and then she will laugh and correct me. Being playful can be a great response too!

That being said, sometimes the "why's" turns into a test or game. The tone of voice of her "why" changes from curious to repetitive and demanding. Often children do this when they want our attention or to get us a little fired up. Again, toddlers test to make sure we are in control, and they so want us to be. So I offer an answer to D’s "why’s", but if she starts into the "why spiral", I let her know I've already answered and I don't have anything else to say about it right now. I then change the subject or ask her a question instead. I say this kindly but with confidence. This helps to avoid the spiral while also not ignoring or diminishing her questioning. After all, I want her to continue to be curious and inquisitive, but respectful as well.

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